I am blogging again! I have continued writing, just haven't been putting it on here.  Circumstances have changed again, and I am able to come back to blogging.  Here's what I wrote yesterday at the women's meeting at church.

Burning Fire

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

It’s burning out the weeds

So the fruit of God can grow.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

It’s purifying the silver,

It’s cleaning the gold.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

It’s clearing the way

For me to see God’s face.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

It isn’t doing me any harm,

But it makes me feel safe and warm.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

It’s the fire of God, through the Holy Ghost,

Cleansing me, making me whole.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

It’s God’s cleansing fire,

Burning brighter and brighter.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

Filling the emptiness in me with love,

The love of our Father above.

There’s a fire burning in me,

Cleansing me, setting me free.

Teaching me who I should really trust:

God, our Father and His Son Jesus.

You Are

You pick me up when I fall,

And carry me when I can’t even crawl.

When from you I stray,

You love me anyway.

You welcome me back with open arms,

And make me feel loved, safe, and warm.

You nourish my soul,

So I can become whole.

You give me peace in times of chaos.

You are the One I completely trust.

You are my Savior, my God, my King,

And I owe you everything.

You are forever faithful, forever true,

And you have made me a part of you.

You are my Lord, my God, my King,

The Creator of everything.

You are God, Ancient of Days, the I AM,

And I worship you in every way I can.

Amen

More Time

Of all the gifts you have to give,
You gave me more time to live.

It has changed my attitude
To one of great gratitude.

You reached down with your hand,
And are guiding me to your promised land.

You shelter me in your strong tower,
And fill me with your unique power.

You saved me from the dead,
And help me hold up my head,

To glorify you,
Abba Father, so faithful and true.

Who Are You?

You are the sun that brightens my day.
You are the moon that lights my way.
You are the stars, keeping watch over me.
You are the green grass that tickles my feet.
You are the breeze that caresses my skin.
You are the tall trees standing strong against the wind.
You are the gurgling brook, singing a happy song.
You are the rushing river, with many things riding along.
You are the ocean, so vast, and deep, and wide.
You are my shadow, always at my side.
You are the song coming from my heart.
You are the flowers, with beauty that never departs.
You are someone I can fully trust.
Who are you?  Jesus.

A New Life

Almost three weeks ago I moved to Atlantic, Iowa, to be with Byron, my fiancee'.  We're getting married later this summer.  Now that the craziness of packing, moving and unpacking is ending, I have time to start writing again.  Byron feels very strongly that I need to continue writing, and is encouraging me to do so.  So it's time to get back to blogging.  I know I'll feel good if I'm writing too.

So much has happened in the last three years, it's hard for me to comprehend all of it sometimes. And now, here I am, starting another new chapter of my life.  I never imagined I would be getting married again.  I've been single for over 20 years!  Byron is so sweet, and very considerate of me.  Sometimes I think I am dreaming.  When I first met him, a voice in my head said, "I'm going to marry him!"  I had to look around to make sure I didn't say it out loud.  That was September 28.  On December 7, he proposed.  God has granted the biggest desire of my heart: to have a husband who loves me just as I am.  The cancer didn't matter, the mastectomy didn't matter.  Who I am is what matters to Byron.  His comment when I told him about the cancer was that our bodies are a dress to our soul.  If I hadn't already known I was going to marry him, that response alone would have sold me.

So here I am, in Iowa, on a new chapter of my life.  I had been resigned to being alone the rest of my life.  Instead, I get to finish it with a man who loves me just the way I am.  I love him so much.  Thank you, God, for putting him into my life.  I am so glad you always have the best for me.

This morning when I was watching the robin who has a nest in our carport, I thought about how vigilant she always is.  Whenever the door is opened, she flies away.  I figure it's to draw attention away from her nest and eggs.  If I could, I would get up there and take a couple of pictures.  It is exciting to watch her, knowing she's getting ready for her little ones.  New life.  How wonderful it is.

New life.  How many have I had?  So many chapters in my life, and each one so different from the last.  So many things have changed, and I am not the person I was last year, or ten years ago, or even yesterday.  Each day I begin as a new person, with a clean page to fill with the story of my life.  I want so much to have it be a good story, interesting and encouraging.  Sometimes I wonder if it is, and then decide to just keep on going.  Smile at that person I don't know.  Tell someone they look really nice today.  Call the person I'm thinking about and talk with them.  Just do the little things I can do.  I may never be able to do something great, but I can do the little things.  A listening ear.  A hug.  A cup of coffee.  A shawl.  Things that make a person's day better, and lets them know God loves them.  I guess it's time for me to get out and meet some people and start living this new life in Atlantic, Iowa.  I'll let you know how things go.

Be blessed, because God is in the blessing business.  All we have to do is accept them.

I've Been Here

I've Been Here

I've fallen into the abyss of darkness and despair.

I need to find the light, but I don't know where.

It's so dark where I am.

I want out, but I don't think I can.

Everyone's so busy with their own lives.

I think I'll crawl under something and hide.

No one sees my tears.

No one knows my fears.

As it gets darker day by day,

It's harder and harder to find a way

To get out of this pit

That I don't like one bit.

No one helps, no one seems to care.

Where can I get help? Where?

Is it really so hard to distinguish

Normal tears from tears of pain and anguish?

I thought of killing myself,

Because no one could, or wanted, to help.

Then a tiny spark of light appeared.

Someone truly listened and began to hear,

Saw the darkness of the tears and fears,

Got me help,

So I wouldn't kill myself.

I learned to screen out the bad things I heard;

Learned to listen and read the Living Word.

I learned to seek the light that could guide my way,

Little by little, more every day.

I found my way out of that dark abyss.

It was hard work, but I won, bit by bit.

I stand on the solid Rock now.

I climb back on when I fall down.

I still have many trials and tests,

But I want to give God my best.

He is with me all the time.

More than once He has saved my life.

Many don't understand my devotion.

They don't understand my dedication.

I don't tell much of my story,

But when I do, I give God the glory.

I should be dead.

I'm here instead.

My heart is filled with gratitude

For all that God can do.

What a Year!

I haven't posted for a year, which is sad.  But it's been a year of battles, and I was not thinking about keeping them posted on here.  Facebook after every doctor visit was enough.

It is through God's amazing grace that I am still here.  After the diagnosis that the cancer was back, things went quickly.  From a doctor visit to a CAT scan to the hospital for tests to having a portacath inserted into my chest to chemo in a matter of two weeks.  Eight chemo treatments, and I went into remission.  Now, monthly hormone shots for the rest of my life, and an infusion to help my bones every four months.  From not walking without assistance to being able to walk a little over a  mile almost every day.  From coughing a LOT to almost no cough at all.  But amazingly, thanks to God's grace, no other illnesses during this entire time...no colds, no flu, nothing.  How wonderful is our God?

I found out after I was in remission that I was dying when I first went in.  If I had not gone to the doctor when I had, I would not be here today.  But today, when people ask me how I'm doing, my answer is:  "I have more good days than bad."  I can overcome pain most of the time with ibuprofen.  When I asked for a refill of the pain meds, I asked for half the number of pills so they wouldn't have to be thrown away.  Why get 30 pills when I only need one once a month or so?

I'm eating healthier than ever before.  My glucose levels are almost down to normal, my cholesterol levels are stable although not as low as the doctors would like, and the weight is slowly going down (although not as fast as I would like!).  Not working has taken so much stress out of my life, it's amazing.  I attend a church I like, although I haven't had a chance to meet too many people yet.  One of my poems is going to be put to music at the church!  I'm excitedly waiting for that to be finished.  And life in general is good.  I am content with where I am, but also looking into going into business for myself so I can get off disability.  I can't handle a regular job...I can't sit too long and I can't stand too long.  Working at home will be one way of not depending on disability and building towards my future.  God is putting things in order and I know that if I do my part I will be successful at it.

My oncologist is very good.  My prognosis is very good.  He tells me that as long as I am knitting I will be fine.  The knitting and crocheting help me stay focused.  I don't worry about myself, and I pray for whomever will be getting the item I'm making.  Good things all around.

So I'll be posting more poetry here again.  And though I'm not writing as much as I was, it is still good.  And I am thankful to God for walking through this trial with me so that I can write so well.  He is so awesome.  There were a lot of days when He was carrying me, but now I am even dancing with Him sometimes, as long as I'm careful.  But I also believe I have another 40 or 50 years here on this earth, and I want Him to be very pleased with me.  I know I have more tests coming my way.  They are a fact of this life.  But during all the battles these last 21 months, I know this:  That my reality may be I have cancer, but the TRUTH is that I have the divine health of the Lord.

Be blessed.

Mary

Who Am I?

This has been a very difficult year for me.  In December I finally had enough money to go to the doctor to see about a very bad chronic cough.  I thought I had bronchitis, or was reacting to a mold allergy.  Wrong.  I had Stage IV breast cancer.  It had spread to my right lung, around my right bronchial tube, and into my lower spine, hips, tailbone and pelvis.  When I went in for the follow-up to my CAT scan December 27, the nurse practitioner and doctor told me the news and sent me straight to the hospital.  Forget going to work.  Don't worry that I had no insurance.  Go to the hospital and get the necessary tests to see how far it had spread.  After four days in the hospital, I was home for New Year's Eve.  The following week was spent with the oncologist, back to the hospital in to have a port-a-cath inserted into my chest, and then my first chemo treatment.  The cancer was treated aggressively, and I was very sick.  But in March the oncologist said I was in remission, and after two more chemo treatments, I was switched to hormone replacement treatments, which seem to be working well.  A few weeks ago I went to see the nurse practitioner who had put me in the hospital in the first place and we had a chat about how I was so angry with her at first for even putting me in.  She told me if I hadn't gone in when I did, I would not be here today.  I would be dead.  And I started crying again, because I am having trouble dealing with having to fight cancer again.  Then I started to question why I'm still alive.  What does God want me to do?  I still don't know exactly what God wants from me, although I have gotten one answer.  But I know there's more.  I'm still learning patience.  But this is what came out of all my questioning.  I think it's ok to ask the questions, but I still have to learn to be patient and listen.  I have to remember I'm still a work in process and not completed.  The learning will not end until I die and leave this earth.  In some ways I can't wait; but then again, I still have so much to do and experience here.  

Who Am I?

I was supposed to die,

But here I am, very much alive.

You reached down and saved me,

Reached down and poured out your glory.

Who am I

To wonder why?

I keep thinking I’m just another person,

Living in this world so full of chaos and confusion.

But with all the gifts you have to give,

You gave me more time to live.

Who am I

To wonder why?

Was it just another test

To remind me that in your arms I can rest?

Or was I too full of myself

And not turning to you for help?

Who am I

To wonder why?

I’m weak and often stumble.

Thinking of this gift, I am humbled.

You could have let me die.

But I am still alive.

Who am I

To wonder why?

Now I am filled with an awesome fear,

Because I know without you I would not be here.

So who am I to question your plans

When I claim to have put my life in your hands?

Who am I

To wonder why?

Daily I struggle to listen and obey.

Daily I struggle not to do things my way.

You, oh Lord, are my strong fortress.

In you, oh Lord, I find true happiness.

Who am I

To wonder why?

Once again you took me from the darkness.

Once again I’m reminded it’s you I should trust.

Once again you have given me a wonderful gift.

You have given me more time to live.

Just who am I

To wonder why?

I Won't Stop

The lonely wail of a whistle
On a train as it barrels through the night
To a destination unknown to me
Strikes a sad note in my heart
On this dark, dark night.

On the train, that whistle is a warning:
"Get ouf of my way,
I'm going on through,
And I can't stop for you."

While that whistle strikes a note of sadness in my heart,
I do understand what it's saying.
When I have troubles,
When I have trials,
I can't let them get me down.
I can't come to a screeching stop.

I tell those troubles and trials,
"Get out of my way,
I'm going on through,
And I won't stop for you."

You see, I have places to go,
People to see, things to do,
And though you try,
I won't stop.

I have someone who keeps me going.
I have someone who picks me up when I fall.
I have someone who give me hope.
I have someone who always loves me.
I have Jesus.
So no, I won't stop.

Your Love

Thank you, Lord,
For the wonder of your love.
It never fails or forsakes me,
Even when I fail or forsake you.

Thank you, Lord,
For the beauty of your love.
It has claimed me as your child.

Thank you, Lord,
For the strength of your love.
It carries me when I can't move.

Thank you, Lord,
For the power of your love.
It has saved me from death and gives eternal life.

Thank you, Lord,
For your awesome love.
You accept me as I am and are making me perfect.

Thank you, Lord,
For the grace and mercy of your love.
They make me worthy to receive your love.

Thank you, Lord,
For loving me.
Without you, I would never be free.

Rescued

When I look at my life today,
I know I would not have chosen this way.

My life was on a fast track,
And I don't want to go back.

I needed and wanted to slow down
And plant my feet on solid ground.

Instead, I was on shifting sand,
A traveler in this foreign land.

Tired of being so alone,
Always wanting to go home.

I seemed to be on the outside looking in,
Far too busy to have many friends.

Help me to slow down, I prayed.
But ow I cried on that day.

Like a giant tree, I fell
To fight another battle to get well.

For me, my greatest wealth
Is to have thriving, good health.

So I will do whatever I must,
Because in God alone I really trust,

To know and provide what's best for me.
His best is what sets me free.

And because of His mercy and grace,
One day, I will see His face,

Unless, of course, I fall down
With my face upon the ground,

Overcome with awe
That when God looked at me He saw,

Not the filthy mess I was in
To be rescued from again and again,

But someone worthy to be His child,
Even when I was crazy and wild.

I'm proud to be a follower of the living Christ.
I'm so glad Jesus came to give His life

To rescue me and set me free,
So I can be with Him for eternity.

Thank you.
Amen

It's been a year since I've done any blogging.  I've been sick.  We thought I was suffering bronchial problems due to exposure to mold while I was living in Missouri.  I moved back to Minnesota September 1, 2012, and finally got to a doctor in December.  I may have been suffering from the mold exposure, but the real reason behind the coughing and shortness of breath was that I had stage 4 breast cancer, and it was in my right lung, around the right bronchial tube (which caused the coughing), and in my bones - lower spine, hips, tailbone, pelvis, etc.  The doctors put me into the hospital for tests right after Christmas.  I started chemo in January.  It was a very aggressive treatment, and it wiped me out physically, but I am now in remission and go in once a month for shots and treatment for healing my bones.  The naysayers didn't get me down.  I believe and trust that God has a plan and is using me to spread His word to even more.  When one of my Missouri friends said she was sorry I am going through this, I had to tell her to not be sorry for me.  If I hadn't been at the cancer center, I would not have been able to talk to people about how good God is and how He has a plan for all of us.  I do know I have to be more careful about what I pray for.  I told God I didn't want to work for anyone any more, and here I am, on disability, not working at all except to get well again.  But I am starting to feel better.  It's good to not be coughing a lot of the time.  I can sleep all night lying in bed and not sitting in the recliner.  I get tired easily, but I'm actually thinking about gardening if the weather ever gets nice enough.  And I'm going fishing with my brother.  I haven't been fishing in years - always too busy.  My life has slowed down a  lot, and I am enjoying not being constantly in demand to do something.  So now I have time to write and put things here again.  I have a mighty God, and I am grateful to Him for all He does for me.  He is always here, in my time of need and my time of no need.  He is awesome, and I love Him so much.  There just aren't enough words or actions that can show this, but I can try.

My Memorial

Today we bring forth in our memory
Soldiers who have fought for this country.
The men and women who keep us free.

There is also another whom I depend upon
To help me live as a free person.
I am talking about God's precious Son.

He is the one I totally trust.
When I am surrounded by chaos and fuss,
I call upon the name of Jesus.

Daily I should give recognition
To the One who brought salvation
From sin and condemnation.

Today, Jesus, I remember you.
I will never be able to repay my dues
For your death, which gave me a life renewed.

Thank you.

Memorial Day

I am an American
To the innermost core of me.
And today I remember
The men and women who keep us free.

They served our country well,
Usually with great sacrifice,
Leaving behind family and friends,
While many gave their lives.

To these men and women I say thank you
For being willing to serve our country.
A country where I do what I choose,
A country where I am free to be me.

While I am waiting to go to heaven,
Until that day I no longer must roam,
I will do my best to follow Jesus
And call America home.

I Drink

I drink from the cup given to me,
The cup where life is not easy.
I drink from the cup of hard work, pain and sorrow,
From the cup where I worry about tomorrow.
I drink from the cup that causes me to frown,
From the cup that keeps knocking me down.

There is another cup, with something sweet.
There is another cup, that I'd like to keep.
It's the cup of mercy and grace.
It's the cup that can forgive my mistakes.
This cup is offered to me every day, every minute,
But all too often I reject everything that's in it.
I often drink from this cup only when life is too hard,
And I'm flat on my back with a broken heart.

Oh how sad it is that I don't drink from this cup every day,
The cup of sweetness where everything is God's way.
I should drink constantly from the cup dipped into the River of Life,
Constantly drink from the cup that filters out chaos and strife.
I should drink constantly from the cup offered to me,
So I can find true relief from the cup given to me.

The Top

The valley may be deep,
The mountain may be high,
But once you reach the top,
What a beautiful sight!

The Best Christmas

It was the night before Christmas
And quiet in the house.
Mom was in the kitchen,
Dad was dozing on the couch.

The children had moved far away,
And weren’t coming home this year.
Mom was feeling sad, so she began to pray.
“Oh Lord, I could really use some cheer.

The kids can’t come home,
And I miss them so much.
This Christmas we’re all alone,
But in you I’ve put my trust.

Everything is ready for Christmas dinner,
And I sent invitations all over town.
But it looks like I won’t be a winner,
All my invitations have been turned down.

Lord, there must be someone out there
Who has no place to go.
I want to show them how you care,
And feed them dinner at my home.

You know how hard it is for me
To get out and around.
Bring me someone who’s lonely,
Help me show them what you’re about.

Thank you, Lord, for listening when I pray.
Now I think I’ll get some sleep,
So I can be rested for Christmas Day.
I’ll need my energy to feed your hungry sheep.”

Christmas Day dawned bright and clear.
Mom was in the kitchen early,
And creating all kinds of good cheer.
She thanked God for making her feel merry.

All of her children gave her a call,
And she wished each one a Merry Christmas.
She gave thanks she could talk to them all.
“Thank you for remembering me, Jesus.”

Dad suddenly had an errand to run.
He said he’d be back in a few minutes.
“Please don’t be long, for dinner’s almost done.”
She was too busy to wonder about his disappearance.

Suddenly the doorbell began to ring.
“I wonder who that could be.”
A man said, “Your husband told me to bring
My wife and children; the youngest one is three.

I met him at the convenience store.
He saw that my wallet was empty.
He said you have enough for twenty or more,
And that you’d be delighted to feed my family.”

“Come in! Come in!” she cried.
“Let me take your coats and hats.
Unexpected company makes me smile,
And it won’t be long before my husband is back.”

A short time later her husband came home.
Mom gasped with surprise when he walked through the door,
For when he came in, he wasn’t alone.
He had someone with him; in fact, several more.

“I didn’t like seeing you so sad for Christmas Day,
And I knew these people had no place to go.
Last night when I heard you pray,
I knew God’s love was important for you to show.

I know how much you miss our children,
And how hard it sometimes is for us to be alone.
Today is about how God came down from heaven
To ensure that all His children can go home.

So I brought these people for you to feed
Because I know it makes you happy.
It makes me glad to see you at peace
When you’re making another person’s day cheery.”

Mom and Dad had a happy Christmas,
With a house filled with people and light.
They gave special thanks to Jesus
For filling their home with such delight.

I'm Thankful

I’m thankful for eyes to see
Oceans, rivers, birds in the sky,
Babies, and flowers and trees.

I’m thankful for ears to hear
The wind, music, and a loved one’s voice,
And the songs of birds, far and near.

I’m thankful for hands and feet
That do what I want,
So my tasks I can complete.

I’m thankful for a voice that can express
Words of hope, joy, love and peace,
Words we need to constantly confess.

I’m thankful for my health,
Sometimes bad, mostly good,
Because it’s my greatest wealth.

I’m thankful for my family
With all our differences and quirks,
Never boring, with all that variety.

I’m thankful for a God I can trust,
Who is always there for me.
Whenever I need Him, I just call Jesus.

There is so much for me to be thankful for,
I could never tell about everything,
For as I tell of one, I think of one more.

Being Thankful

Being thankful is not a hard thing to be,
Because God has set me free,
Free from the chains of my past,
Free with a joy that will forever last.

I was such a mess at the start,
Not so much now as I let Him heal my heart.
I carried a heavy burden from my sin and shame,
Made even heavier from my grief and pain.

I wandered in darkness, confused and lost.
Somebody’s prayers helped me find the cross.
How I wept as I lay on my face,
Sorrowful at what I was, but amazed at God’s grace.

I don’t know how He could love someone like me.
I don’t understand His willingness to give His mercy
To someone full of rebellion and pride,
Failing miserably at running my own life.

But God loves me, and I walk in His grace and mercy.
God loves me, and is guiding me to victory.
So while I’m on this earth, and when I get to heaven,
I’ll do my absolute best to praise and thank Him, again and again.

It's Me - Again

Hey God, it's me again.
I seem to need your help once more.
I sure will be glad when I get to heaven,
'Cause then you won't have my life to restore.

I tried to fix this on my own.
I keep thinking you have so much to do.
I should have gone straight to you, I know.
You are the only option I should pursue.

So here I am once again, dear God.
I don't understand my resistance,
Or why I worry others think it's odd,
That I need to go to you with such persistance.

But you always know what to do,
So I'm gratefully thankful for your grace and mercy.
For you are always faithful, always true,
As you guide my life on the road to victory.