This has been a very difficult year for me. In December I finally had enough money to go to the doctor to see about a very bad chronic cough. I thought I had bronchitis, or was reacting to a mold allergy. Wrong. I had Stage IV breast cancer. It had spread to my right lung, around my right bronchial tube, and into my lower spine, hips, tailbone and pelvis. When I went in for the follow-up to my CAT scan December 27, the nurse practitioner and doctor told me the news and sent me straight to the hospital. Forget going to work. Don't worry that I had no insurance. Go to the hospital and get the necessary tests to see how far it had spread. After four days in the hospital, I was home for New Year's Eve. The following week was spent with the oncologist, back to the hospital in to have a port-a-cath inserted into my chest, and then my first chemo treatment. The cancer was treated aggressively, and I was very sick. But in March the oncologist said I was in remission, and after two more chemo treatments, I was switched to hormone replacement treatments, which seem to be working well. A few weeks ago I went to see the nurse practitioner who had put me in the hospital in the first place and we had a chat about how I was so angry with her at first for even putting me in. She told me if I hadn't gone in when I did, I would not be here today. I would be dead. And I started crying again, because I am having trouble dealing with having to fight cancer again. Then I started to question why I'm still alive. What does God want me to do? I still don't know exactly what God wants from me, although I have gotten one answer. But I know there's more. I'm still learning patience. But this is what came out of all my questioning. I think it's ok to ask the questions, but I still have to learn to be patient and listen. I have to remember I'm still a work in process and not completed. The learning will not end until I die and leave this earth. In some ways I can't wait; but then again, I still have so much to do and experience here.
Who Am I?
I was supposed to die,
But here I am, very much alive.
You reached down and saved me,
Reached down and poured out your glory.
Who am I
To wonder why?
I keep thinking I’m just another person,
Living in this world so full of chaos and confusion.
But with all the gifts you have to give,
You gave me more time to live.
Who am I
To wonder why?
Was it just another test
To remind me that in your arms I can rest?
Or was I too full of myself
And not turning to you for help?
Who am I
To wonder why?
I’m weak and often stumble.
Thinking of this gift, I am humbled.
You could have let me die.
But I am still alive.
Who am I
To wonder why?
Now I am filled with an awesome fear,
Because I know without you I would not be here.
So who am I to question your plans
When I claim to have put my life in your hands?
Who am I
To wonder why?
Daily I struggle to listen and obey.
Daily I struggle not to do things my way.
You, oh Lord, are my strong fortress.
In you, oh Lord, I find true happiness.
Who am I
To wonder why?
Once again you took me from the darkness.
Once again I’m reminded it’s you I should trust.
Once again you have given me a wonderful gift.
You have given me more time to live.
Just who am I
To wonder why?
