I've Been Here

I've Been Here

I've fallen into the abyss of darkness and despair.

I need to find the light, but I don't know where.

It's so dark where I am.

I want out, but I don't think I can.

Everyone's so busy with their own lives.

I think I'll crawl under something and hide.

No one sees my tears.

No one knows my fears.

As it gets darker day by day,

It's harder and harder to find a way

To get out of this pit

That I don't like one bit.

No one helps, no one seems to care.

Where can I get help? Where?

Is it really so hard to distinguish

Normal tears from tears of pain and anguish?

I thought of killing myself,

Because no one could, or wanted, to help.

Then a tiny spark of light appeared.

Someone truly listened and began to hear,

Saw the darkness of the tears and fears,

Got me help,

So I wouldn't kill myself.

I learned to screen out the bad things I heard;

Learned to listen and read the Living Word.

I learned to seek the light that could guide my way,

Little by little, more every day.

I found my way out of that dark abyss.

It was hard work, but I won, bit by bit.

I stand on the solid Rock now.

I climb back on when I fall down.

I still have many trials and tests,

But I want to give God my best.

He is with me all the time.

More than once He has saved my life.

Many don't understand my devotion.

They don't understand my dedication.

I don't tell much of my story,

But when I do, I give God the glory.

I should be dead.

I'm here instead.

My heart is filled with gratitude

For all that God can do.

What a Year!

I haven't posted for a year, which is sad.  But it's been a year of battles, and I was not thinking about keeping them posted on here.  Facebook after every doctor visit was enough.

It is through God's amazing grace that I am still here.  After the diagnosis that the cancer was back, things went quickly.  From a doctor visit to a CAT scan to the hospital for tests to having a portacath inserted into my chest to chemo in a matter of two weeks.  Eight chemo treatments, and I went into remission.  Now, monthly hormone shots for the rest of my life, and an infusion to help my bones every four months.  From not walking without assistance to being able to walk a little over a  mile almost every day.  From coughing a LOT to almost no cough at all.  But amazingly, thanks to God's grace, no other illnesses during this entire time...no colds, no flu, nothing.  How wonderful is our God?

I found out after I was in remission that I was dying when I first went in.  If I had not gone to the doctor when I had, I would not be here today.  But today, when people ask me how I'm doing, my answer is:  "I have more good days than bad."  I can overcome pain most of the time with ibuprofen.  When I asked for a refill of the pain meds, I asked for half the number of pills so they wouldn't have to be thrown away.  Why get 30 pills when I only need one once a month or so?

I'm eating healthier than ever before.  My glucose levels are almost down to normal, my cholesterol levels are stable although not as low as the doctors would like, and the weight is slowly going down (although not as fast as I would like!).  Not working has taken so much stress out of my life, it's amazing.  I attend a church I like, although I haven't had a chance to meet too many people yet.  One of my poems is going to be put to music at the church!  I'm excitedly waiting for that to be finished.  And life in general is good.  I am content with where I am, but also looking into going into business for myself so I can get off disability.  I can't handle a regular job...I can't sit too long and I can't stand too long.  Working at home will be one way of not depending on disability and building towards my future.  God is putting things in order and I know that if I do my part I will be successful at it.

My oncologist is very good.  My prognosis is very good.  He tells me that as long as I am knitting I will be fine.  The knitting and crocheting help me stay focused.  I don't worry about myself, and I pray for whomever will be getting the item I'm making.  Good things all around.

So I'll be posting more poetry here again.  And though I'm not writing as much as I was, it is still good.  And I am thankful to God for walking through this trial with me so that I can write so well.  He is so awesome.  There were a lot of days when He was carrying me, but now I am even dancing with Him sometimes, as long as I'm careful.  But I also believe I have another 40 or 50 years here on this earth, and I want Him to be very pleased with me.  I know I have more tests coming my way.  They are a fact of this life.  But during all the battles these last 21 months, I know this:  That my reality may be I have cancer, but the TRUTH is that I have the divine health of the Lord.

Be blessed.

Mary