His Hands

God has such big hands
That He can hold people in all lands.
He holds us in His palm,
Turns our chaos into calm.
When He closes His fingers tight,
He gives us a chance to gain sight.
He spreads them apart a little bit
To let us have trials we won't forget,
So that our muscle of faith
Can become stronger to run the race.
I am a child of God
And don't think it's odd
That I have all I need
Since Jesus set me free.

Cancer FREE

Year number three
Out of chemotherapy
And I am still
CANCER FREE!

My three year anniversay was October 10. I almost didn't realize it, I was so worried about that ultrasound. After a LONG 1.5 hours, the test was clean! I can't even begin to explain how relieved I was. And how thankful I am that even when I am scare, even when I have doubts, God is right there in the middle of everything, taking care of all the details. I was angry that it took three tests to figure out what I told them the first time. But I think I was more angry with myself for not fighting the fear harder. I was fighting pretty hard, whether others saw it or not.

In some ways I don't understand why people celebrate having survived cancer, but in some ways I do. It's like a birthday or an anniversary, with one more year of life lived. Maybe I don't celebrate it like some because of all the others things I've gone through that have been life altering/life threatening, and this was one more battle to win. I don't know. I just know I like to celebrate life every day, and I never forget where I've come from. I am so grateful to God for bringing me this far, and I know I have farther to go. Life is an adventure, so live it to the fullest, to the best of your ability.

Sure, I don't have the money to do some of the things I want to do like travel, but my kids still have a mother, I still help others, I am doing things I enjoy even while I'm working, and God is just SO GOOD that I have to love Him with all I am. And I do. So whoever reads this, God is good. God is faithful. God is jealous over me and you, and even when you don't see Him, or feel Him, He is HERE! I think of all the times He's had to carry me because I was too weak to even walk or crawl, and I KNOW how blessed I am. So for me, all the glory goes to God because I sure couldn't have done it myself. I would have been dead years ago. Sean and Brian would have been mourning the loss of a mother, and Robin, Stephanie and James wouldn't even be here. All those years of depression, of thoughts of suicide when I thought I couldn't handle it anymore, are memories of the person I was. But that's the best part, they are just memories. I am alive, and I have God to thank for that because He reached out and picked me up and brought me out of a prison so deep and dark no one could have gotten out. Thank you, Lord, for thinking I was worth saving. I love you, Lord, with all I am, and all I have. All the praise and glory go to you, and I am not afraid to tell about it either. Amen.

The Ember

I finished that poem I started the other night. Here it is:

The Ember

A tiny ember glowed in the dark.
It was hardly bright enough to notice,
But it made a tiny warm space in my heart.

Covered in ashes, slowly burning out,
There was no fuel to feed it.
I was slowly dying within and without.

There was a persistent knocking at my door.
Knock...knock...knock.
I couldn’t ignore it any more.

When I answered, I had an attitude.
“What do you want?” and slammed the door.
I really was quite rude.

He was a gentleman, and quietly replied
That He could help me if I would listen.
He was quite willing to be my guide.

I wasn’t about to toe His line.
I was supposed to be in charge!
Who could know better than me about my life?

Then, when my ember was almost dead,
When things that were bad went to worse,
I remembered what the gentleman had said.

I opened the door and asked Him in.
I asked what He could really do to help me.
He touched that ember, brought it to life again.

That ember began to glow,
The ashes began to fall,
And I began to hope.

He touched my heart.
He stopped the raw, bleeding wounds.
He gave me a fresh start.

What had been numb, I began to feel.
I couldn’t believe how many places I hurt
As I slowly began to heal.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell apart
Whether the problem is my body or my soul
As I deal with each issue of my heart.

As I am healed and becoming whole,
I’ll always have scars from the wounds
Because this is a lifelong process, you know.

Who was it? Who didn’t give up on me?
His name is Jesus, whom I love and trust.
He lit the fire that set me free.

Empty Vessel

I am nothing but an empty vessel
That needs to be filled up.

On the days I am overflowing with bad things,
I pray to God and ask Him to take them from me.

There are times when I am so empty,
I am not any good for any one.

Those are the times I ask God to fill me up.

Fill me with your love, oh Lord.
That is what I seek.

Fill me with your hope, oh Lord.
It's you this empty vessel needs.

Oh God, fill me with your joy.
Let it overflow out of me.

Take my cup, oh God, and fill it to overflowing.
Help me become who you want me to be.

I pray, oh Lord, htat you fill this empty vessel.
Fill me up and set me free.