I've Been Here

I've Been Here

I've fallen into the abyss of darkness and despair.

I need to find the light, but I don't know where.

It's so dark where I am.

I want out, but I don't think I can.

Everyone's so busy with their own lives.

I think I'll crawl under something and hide.

No one sees my tears.

No one knows my fears.

As it gets darker day by day,

It's harder and harder to find a way

To get out of this pit

That I don't like one bit.

No one helps, no one seems to care.

Where can I get help? Where?

Is it really so hard to distinguish

Normal tears from tears of pain and anguish?

I thought of killing myself,

Because no one could, or wanted, to help.

Then a tiny spark of light appeared.

Someone truly listened and began to hear,

Saw the darkness of the tears and fears,

Got me help,

So I wouldn't kill myself.

I learned to screen out the bad things I heard;

Learned to listen and read the Living Word.

I learned to seek the light that could guide my way,

Little by little, more every day.

I found my way out of that dark abyss.

It was hard work, but I won, bit by bit.

I stand on the solid Rock now.

I climb back on when I fall down.

I still have many trials and tests,

But I want to give God my best.

He is with me all the time.

More than once He has saved my life.

Many don't understand my devotion.

They don't understand my dedication.

I don't tell much of my story,

But when I do, I give God the glory.

I should be dead.

I'm here instead.

My heart is filled with gratitude

For all that God can do.

What a Year!

I haven't posted for a year, which is sad.  But it's been a year of battles, and I was not thinking about keeping them posted on here.  Facebook after every doctor visit was enough.

It is through God's amazing grace that I am still here.  After the diagnosis that the cancer was back, things went quickly.  From a doctor visit to a CAT scan to the hospital for tests to having a portacath inserted into my chest to chemo in a matter of two weeks.  Eight chemo treatments, and I went into remission.  Now, monthly hormone shots for the rest of my life, and an infusion to help my bones every four months.  From not walking without assistance to being able to walk a little over a  mile almost every day.  From coughing a LOT to almost no cough at all.  But amazingly, thanks to God's grace, no other illnesses during this entire time...no colds, no flu, nothing.  How wonderful is our God?

I found out after I was in remission that I was dying when I first went in.  If I had not gone to the doctor when I had, I would not be here today.  But today, when people ask me how I'm doing, my answer is:  "I have more good days than bad."  I can overcome pain most of the time with ibuprofen.  When I asked for a refill of the pain meds, I asked for half the number of pills so they wouldn't have to be thrown away.  Why get 30 pills when I only need one once a month or so?

I'm eating healthier than ever before.  My glucose levels are almost down to normal, my cholesterol levels are stable although not as low as the doctors would like, and the weight is slowly going down (although not as fast as I would like!).  Not working has taken so much stress out of my life, it's amazing.  I attend a church I like, although I haven't had a chance to meet too many people yet.  One of my poems is going to be put to music at the church!  I'm excitedly waiting for that to be finished.  And life in general is good.  I am content with where I am, but also looking into going into business for myself so I can get off disability.  I can't handle a regular job...I can't sit too long and I can't stand too long.  Working at home will be one way of not depending on disability and building towards my future.  God is putting things in order and I know that if I do my part I will be successful at it.

My oncologist is very good.  My prognosis is very good.  He tells me that as long as I am knitting I will be fine.  The knitting and crocheting help me stay focused.  I don't worry about myself, and I pray for whomever will be getting the item I'm making.  Good things all around.

So I'll be posting more poetry here again.  And though I'm not writing as much as I was, it is still good.  And I am thankful to God for walking through this trial with me so that I can write so well.  He is so awesome.  There were a lot of days when He was carrying me, but now I am even dancing with Him sometimes, as long as I'm careful.  But I also believe I have another 40 or 50 years here on this earth, and I want Him to be very pleased with me.  I know I have more tests coming my way.  They are a fact of this life.  But during all the battles these last 21 months, I know this:  That my reality may be I have cancer, but the TRUTH is that I have the divine health of the Lord.

Be blessed.

Mary

Who Am I?

This has been a very difficult year for me.  In December I finally had enough money to go to the doctor to see about a very bad chronic cough.  I thought I had bronchitis, or was reacting to a mold allergy.  Wrong.  I had Stage IV breast cancer.  It had spread to my right lung, around my right bronchial tube, and into my lower spine, hips, tailbone and pelvis.  When I went in for the follow-up to my CAT scan December 27, the nurse practitioner and doctor told me the news and sent me straight to the hospital.  Forget going to work.  Don't worry that I had no insurance.  Go to the hospital and get the necessary tests to see how far it had spread.  After four days in the hospital, I was home for New Year's Eve.  The following week was spent with the oncologist, back to the hospital in to have a port-a-cath inserted into my chest, and then my first chemo treatment.  The cancer was treated aggressively, and I was very sick.  But in March the oncologist said I was in remission, and after two more chemo treatments, I was switched to hormone replacement treatments, which seem to be working well.  A few weeks ago I went to see the nurse practitioner who had put me in the hospital in the first place and we had a chat about how I was so angry with her at first for even putting me in.  She told me if I hadn't gone in when I did, I would not be here today.  I would be dead.  And I started crying again, because I am having trouble dealing with having to fight cancer again.  Then I started to question why I'm still alive.  What does God want me to do?  I still don't know exactly what God wants from me, although I have gotten one answer.  But I know there's more.  I'm still learning patience.  But this is what came out of all my questioning.  I think it's ok to ask the questions, but I still have to learn to be patient and listen.  I have to remember I'm still a work in process and not completed.  The learning will not end until I die and leave this earth.  In some ways I can't wait; but then again, I still have so much to do and experience here.  

Who Am I?

I was supposed to die,

But here I am, very much alive.

You reached down and saved me,

Reached down and poured out your glory.

Who am I

To wonder why?

I keep thinking I’m just another person,

Living in this world so full of chaos and confusion.

But with all the gifts you have to give,

You gave me more time to live.

Who am I

To wonder why?

Was it just another test

To remind me that in your arms I can rest?

Or was I too full of myself

And not turning to you for help?

Who am I

To wonder why?

I’m weak and often stumble.

Thinking of this gift, I am humbled.

You could have let me die.

But I am still alive.

Who am I

To wonder why?

Now I am filled with an awesome fear,

Because I know without you I would not be here.

So who am I to question your plans

When I claim to have put my life in your hands?

Who am I

To wonder why?

Daily I struggle to listen and obey.

Daily I struggle not to do things my way.

You, oh Lord, are my strong fortress.

In you, oh Lord, I find true happiness.

Who am I

To wonder why?

Once again you took me from the darkness.

Once again I’m reminded it’s you I should trust.

Once again you have given me a wonderful gift.

You have given me more time to live.

Just who am I

To wonder why?

I Won't Stop

The lonely wail of a whistle
On a train as it barrels through the night
To a destination unknown to me
Strikes a sad note in my heart
On this dark, dark night.

On the train, that whistle is a warning:
"Get ouf of my way,
I'm going on through,
And I can't stop for you."

While that whistle strikes a note of sadness in my heart,
I do understand what it's saying.
When I have troubles,
When I have trials,
I can't let them get me down.
I can't come to a screeching stop.

I tell those troubles and trials,
"Get out of my way,
I'm going on through,
And I won't stop for you."

You see, I have places to go,
People to see, things to do,
And though you try,
I won't stop.

I have someone who keeps me going.
I have someone who picks me up when I fall.
I have someone who give me hope.
I have someone who always loves me.
I have Jesus.
So no, I won't stop.

Your Love

Thank you, Lord,
For the wonder of your love.
It never fails or forsakes me,
Even when I fail or forsake you.

Thank you, Lord,
For the beauty of your love.
It has claimed me as your child.

Thank you, Lord,
For the strength of your love.
It carries me when I can't move.

Thank you, Lord,
For the power of your love.
It has saved me from death and gives eternal life.

Thank you, Lord,
For your awesome love.
You accept me as I am and are making me perfect.

Thank you, Lord,
For the grace and mercy of your love.
They make me worthy to receive your love.

Thank you, Lord,
For loving me.
Without you, I would never be free.

Rescued

When I look at my life today,
I know I would not have chosen this way.

My life was on a fast track,
And I don't want to go back.

I needed and wanted to slow down
And plant my feet on solid ground.

Instead, I was on shifting sand,
A traveler in this foreign land.

Tired of being so alone,
Always wanting to go home.

I seemed to be on the outside looking in,
Far too busy to have many friends.

Help me to slow down, I prayed.
But ow I cried on that day.

Like a giant tree, I fell
To fight another battle to get well.

For me, my greatest wealth
Is to have thriving, good health.

So I will do whatever I must,
Because in God alone I really trust,

To know and provide what's best for me.
His best is what sets me free.

And because of His mercy and grace,
One day, I will see His face,

Unless, of course, I fall down
With my face upon the ground,

Overcome with awe
That when God looked at me He saw,

Not the filthy mess I was in
To be rescued from again and again,

But someone worthy to be His child,
Even when I was crazy and wild.

I'm proud to be a follower of the living Christ.
I'm so glad Jesus came to give His life

To rescue me and set me free,
So I can be with Him for eternity.

Thank you.
Amen

It's been a year since I've done any blogging.  I've been sick.  We thought I was suffering bronchial problems due to exposure to mold while I was living in Missouri.  I moved back to Minnesota September 1, 2012, and finally got to a doctor in December.  I may have been suffering from the mold exposure, but the real reason behind the coughing and shortness of breath was that I had stage 4 breast cancer, and it was in my right lung, around the right bronchial tube (which caused the coughing), and in my bones - lower spine, hips, tailbone, pelvis, etc.  The doctors put me into the hospital for tests right after Christmas.  I started chemo in January.  It was a very aggressive treatment, and it wiped me out physically, but I am now in remission and go in once a month for shots and treatment for healing my bones.  The naysayers didn't get me down.  I believe and trust that God has a plan and is using me to spread His word to even more.  When one of my Missouri friends said she was sorry I am going through this, I had to tell her to not be sorry for me.  If I hadn't been at the cancer center, I would not have been able to talk to people about how good God is and how He has a plan for all of us.  I do know I have to be more careful about what I pray for.  I told God I didn't want to work for anyone any more, and here I am, on disability, not working at all except to get well again.  But I am starting to feel better.  It's good to not be coughing a lot of the time.  I can sleep all night lying in bed and not sitting in the recliner.  I get tired easily, but I'm actually thinking about gardening if the weather ever gets nice enough.  And I'm going fishing with my brother.  I haven't been fishing in years - always too busy.  My life has slowed down a  lot, and I am enjoying not being constantly in demand to do something.  So now I have time to write and put things here again.  I have a mighty God, and I am grateful to Him for all He does for me.  He is always here, in my time of need and my time of no need.  He is awesome, and I love Him so much.  There just aren't enough words or actions that can show this, but I can try.