Scared and Worried

I admit, I'm scared and a little worried. Tomorrow I go for the ultrasound. I wasn't going to, but I got another letter after the second mammogram, saying they need to look into whatever it is they're seeing. I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm worried. Angry because I have to go for another test instead of being told everything looks find. Scared because if the cancer is back, how am I going to pay for everything? I have no insurance even though I want it. I can't afford it. Worried because I don't know if I can go through this again. The only person here is Robin. She's very responsible, and has lots of common sense, and I trust her, but why should she be the only one here to help me? Then again, in Minnesota, the kids were my help - and my brother-in-law. A few others helped by cooking and giving us gift cards for groceries, but it was me and the kids. James was in 10th grade, Stephanie a senior and Robin in college. Brian was in the Marines, and Sean was busy with his family. He spent a lot of time at the hospital with Audrey those days. It seemed every time Robin came home she was taking me to the emergency room. That's why I depended on God so much to get me through that. When it comes down to it, we always go through stuff alone, don't we?

So tonight I'm writing to encourage myself. To tell those fears to get out, they don't belong here. To remind myself I am a child of God, and that He knows what His plan is even if I don't. To remind myself He has his hand prints all over me, and will use everything I go through for His glory. Even when I don't see any glory in suffering, and pain, and grief.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it and they are saved.

The Lord is MY strong tower.
The Lord is my refuge, and my strength.
The Lord is my peace and my joy.
He loves me in spite of what I am,
And I will bless Him forever.

I will enter His courts with thanksgiving.
I will praise Him in my sorrow.
I will praise Him in my sickness.
I will praise Him in my gladness.
I will praise Him in my health.
I will praise the Lord for all He has done for me.

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and ALL that is within me. Bless His holy name.

Everything within me must bless the Lord.
Everything within me must bow down before Him.
Everything within me must worship the Lord, no matter what it is.
Everything within me must bow down before the Lord or it must leave.

I shall keep singing and dancing. I shall keep praising His name. For even though I don't want to go through another test, I will not say no to the Lord because I love Him so much. And I will praise Him the entire time, in my tears, in my fears, for He shall put me into His arms and give me peace and joy, hope and love. I will praise the Lord forever. Amen.